Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we are called here today to answer a complicated question.
Who killed Aura and Mystique?
They were a beautiful set of twins, lovely in their prime -- all-American girls that every boy used to dream about. As they aged, they became vain and arrogant, as some are wont to do in their older age. But no one deserves the end at which these lovely ladies arrived.
It seems only yesterday, ladies and gentlemen, that they were swaggering down the street, chanting "1918" to anybody who while in their presence dare wear a blue cap with a red "B" stitched in the front. Suspicions that Aura and Mystique were declining in health certainly are understandable, what with their embarrassing falls in Arizona and Florida, but I submit, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that this has been no mere natural fall from grace.
These ladies were pushed!
Natural causes is too convenient an excuse for the defense in this case -- Aura and Mystique were healthy enough to run away with the division for the 11th consecutive year. They were alluring enough to win home-field advantage (I don't think I need to elaborate further on that).
Yet after being lulled into a confident stupor by a couple kids from Detroit, Aura and Mystique have diappeared since being dumped two days later! I submit SF Exhibit 1, a series of statements made in this very courtroom:
- "3 strikes and yer out. what a pansy." -- YFinBeantown, on Alex Rodriguez's strikeout with the bases loaded
- "This blows. Gameday sucks. The Yanks are having more trouble scoring than Screech. BAH!" -- YF
- "You know, I've held back on my A-Rod bashing, because I really do want [him] to succeed. But I've had it. You could predict all 3 of those strikeouts as soon as he stepped in the box. He's a headcase, he's never getting better, and any big hits he gets (if any) are luck." -- yankeesnj
- "Or if Sheff doesn't hit into a DP...or Cano, for that matter. Of if Jeter doesn't stupidly bunt(!!!!!). Many missed opportunities." -- yankeemonkey
- "Alex who? Three inning-ending k's, one with the BASES LOADED LOOKING. Cano? Where were you today. I don't count a long at bat against Jones as being an uptick if nothing comes of it. GIDP. Six LOB. Jeter? What's with the horrible bunt? The E? The Yankees flat-out sucked today." -- attackgerbil
- "Now i'm afraid that momentum has shifted in favor of the tigers, and that kenny rogers (defying all logic) will pitch the game of his life tomorrow. PLEASE let me be wrong." -- m.g. yanks fan
I ask you, distinguished members of the YFSF jury, would we have seen such panic three years ago? Aura and Mystique had swagger, as some have affectionately called it. Detractors called it arrogance and entitlement. Nevertheless, we would not be seeing such panic-stricken posts if something had not befallen these ladies.
I don't think I need to explain what happened. You know it, ladies and gentlemen. You know good and well who killed Aura and Mystique. They did it with speed, they did it with power, and they did it with blood.
I present to you the killers, and I ask you to return a verdict of guilty.